Make Sex Fun Again: How to Have Better Sex Tonight
I finished my beer and offered to get a round of shots for my table of friends. I head up to the bar, place my order and that’s when I make eyes with a gal at the end of the bar, who’s there with a friend. The friend was a lot hotter, but my line of sight scoped out the sluttier of the two. I’d found my target. After making intense eye contact, while waiting for my order, I return the shots to my friends and we down them dutifully. Not three seconds after burning my gullet from, what I believe to be, A dead nazi, i walk to the end of the bar and say “Hello.” Ding, ding. It’s on. The girl, whose name I can’t remember, who I’ll call “Mindy,” smiled and greeted me right back. There was magnatism as we locked eyes and conversation. I should take a moment to paint the picture here. Mindy was tall… She was, er, heroically proportioned. She was a bigger gal, a good bit bigger than what I usually go for. However, with the help of shots, beers and some Hendrick’s and Tonic I found her quite pleasing. To be fair, I’d have made eye contact with her regardless of my level of inebreation.bonga cams We talked for a good while, Mindy ordered me a drink, we continued talking.
Talking turned into some “below the bar” antics, which I’d like to say I hid well… It turns out I didn’t, as my friends chided me later for it. With, um, heavy drinking and heavy petting in full effect, it was time to get to the business end of this raunchy courtship. We were dancing and that’s when I asked her to come home with me. Mindy then whispered into my ear, or so I thought, when she bit it instead. I knew then, if I didn’t before, that my night was going end in ‘dirty’ fashion. With the night winding down and would be conquest in-arm, I was ready to head home. Without getting into the details Mindy’s friend had an objection and there was a huge bar fight, yet, I cannot be called the Urban Dater if i can’t make it out of a bar with my One Night Stand in tow! We head home, when I pull in to the garage I notice that a friend’s car is parked and not my roommates… Would this friend still be up at almost 3am? Undaunted, I bring my “fun” buddy up the stairs and see my friend, Peter, on the couch.
I make a mental note that my heroically proportioned one night stand will have to go through two “security checks:” my roommate and my buddy. Duly noted! We get to my room and I waste little time getting to the “business end of the evening.” Clothes fall off, no, they get ripped off… At this point, I’m not going to spice it up on the details. If you want a blogger that does that, read Jack from Brooklyn. The man is a poet… I am simply not so articulate. Anyway, as I was writing… Things are going well, we’re touching each other, groping really, everything feels right, that’s when Mindy goes down, pulls off my pants and does me the service that, really, I don’t deserve given that it’s a One Night Stand… Simply put, this girl was amazing in her skill, which is saying something given how I’d had to drink! When she was done I wanted to reciprocate. I got down there and, I hate to admit, I had a “difficult” time of it… Mindy mercifully pulled me from the depths and things continued… We went to sleep. Before we did, though, I set my alarm for 6am, roughly two hours later… Why? If Mindy was going to do the walk of shame, I thought, she’d need to do it with my friend and roommate still asleep. The 6am wake up call booms through my room, startling us both bleary eyed and awake, if not exactly alert. Mindy yawns and suggests, “Oh, can’t you just turn it off a bit longer?” Before she can finish her thought, I have hopped out of bed with the agility of a Gazelle.
I’m pulling on my shorts and my jeans, “Uh, Mindy, I’ve gotta help my Grandmother move.” She replied, “Dude, you said your family lived in Oregon!” As I’m fussing with my zipper, I glance over at Mindy… She’s on to me, but I persist. “Mindy, my Grandmother splits time between here and Oregon… Look! I just need to help her okay???” I said quite irritated. As we make our way out I instruct her to step lightly and carefully so as not to wake my friend or my roomie. We get passed my roommate’s room, no problem. We head downstairs and try to make it passed my friend… As we make our way, stepping, as if on air, I look over at my friend, Peter, and notice his eyes slit open. Oh, that fucker! He sees what I brought home and I have failed to conceal my guilty pleasure. We make our way out, mission failed, I’m feeling deflated. We get to my car, our conversation is pretty light at this point, as I dodge questions about helping my Granny move… We get to Mindy’s place, where I drop her off. Mindy gives me a hug and a peck on the cheek and scrawls her number on the back of my business cards she found in the center console. “Call me, yeah?
Part of My World
” I nod and reply “Oh, sure! I had so much fun!” We part ways and I speed off into the rising sun… I never called her back. I could have cut this post in half, I realize, probably by three quarters. In summary: I took a hefty girl home, slept with her, failed to go down on her because I couldn’t handle her, womanly aroma, I tried to hide her from my friends and then told her I’d call her back and never did. For that, Children of the Corn, I am a jerk. Signup for Our Newsletter Get Us in Your Inbox! Online Dating, Sex, and Relationship Advice Tips in Your Inbox… Follow @theurbandater Like this:Like Loading…
Share This Article Facebook1Tweet0Pin0 Posted in: Asides, Dates & Details Tagged in: jerk, one night stand The Urban Dater fought and failed against the ghastly Bernhard Why did you click on that link??? Sandra Bernhardt would kick my face off!!!! You KNOW this! Hit the BACK BUTTON ALREADY!!! Signup for Our Newsletter Get Us in Your Inbox! Online Dating, Sex, and Relationship Advice Tips in Your Inbox… Follow @theurbandater Like this:Like Loading… Share This Article Facebook0Tweet0Pin0 Posted in: Asides I’m a pretty easy going kind of guy. I’m not easily annoyed. Really. Try it. I mean, all these Russian spam users that signup for this blog don’t even get me irked and there’s a lot of them annoying turds. Seriously.
I was out to dinner with a relative, a cousin we’ll call “Sheila” and their significant other “Tim” and I thought, “Is the Yannibmbr gonna have to choke a bitch?” Oh, it was that bad and let me tell you why, kids.The night started off innocently enough, we had some drinks at Tim and Sheila’s and were off to a new eatery around the corner. So there we were, looking over the menu when I notice how Tim is talking to Sheila. He’s talking to her like he’s a baby, or like he’s talking to a baby and asking what she’s going to eat. That’s when I expect Sheila to give Tim the business end of her back hand, instead, she responds in the same baby jibberish talk! Oh. My. God!!! I can’t take it. Literally. I respond with, “Are you guys f’ing serious right now!!?” They both look at me and then each other and laugh about it and then kiss each other. I mean, there was a lotta lovin’ going on at the other side of the table and probably way too much cuteness to contend with.
It reminded me of that time I had a layover in the North Pole and punched Bambi in his big red nose for being too cuddly and cute, but that was another place and a lifetime ago. Another thing that I get grief on is that I’m still “single.” That I’m out there on dating sites trying to “find love.” Every time this happens without fail.https://topadultreview.com/ I should mention that Sheila and Tim only live together, they are not single nor with children, in spite of their want to talk like babies all the time, but I digress. Tim says to me, “Dude, you’re not a bad looking guy, I don’t see why you can’t just meet people while you’re on an outing and do it the ‘normal’ way.” Wow! Thanks, Tim! What wonderful thought vomit advice you’ve given me!!! I just take what he’s saying with a grain of salt, I know he doesn’t mean to be, well, mean. His default setting is “jack ass,” so I can forgive him. Then Sheila piggy backs his comment with, “I don’t know that I could ever have dated online, there’s so many creepy men on there. There are so many stories of women getting raped and killed that go out with men off dating sites.” So not only did Tim make me feel like a loser that’s not really trying, but cousin Sheila probably thinks I rape and kill women, too. Gee whiz, cuz, thanks! At this point, I’m ready to commit hari kari. I should also mention that they barely stopped to come up for air between eating and sucking face the entire meal.
Come on guys! Get a room and/or a muzzle. Don’t get me wrong, I love my cousin, but sometimes she’s best taken in small doses when with El Capitan de Suck aka Tim, or when she’s by herself, which doesn’t happen since the two of them are attached at the privates… Ugh. If you’re in a relationship and you guys do any of this stuff, shoot me a message and I will promptly come by batter you and your significant other in the ovaries or urethra. Finnit! Have fun out there and stop sucking so much damn face!!! Signup for Our Newsletter Get Us in Your Inbox! Online Dating, Sex, and Relationship Advice Tips in Your Inbox… Follow @theurbandater Like this:Like Loading… Share This Article Facebook0Tweet0Pin0 Posted in: Dating & Relationships, Opinion Tagged in: PDA Maybe we should talk about Tinder In case you’ve been hiding in a cave and do not know what Tinder is, it is this ‘dating’ app and approach … and trust me I am using the word DATING very lightly! And let me tell you this thing is not only entertaining but highly addictive … Not because you actually get nice dates, or meet nice guys, NOT at all.
Some Odd Pickup Lines That Still Probably Won’t Work…
The addiction I think comes from the fact that there is choice, choice of many different people you can say NO to. Cause the second you say YES or slide right, means you are ‘interested’ and if the other person is also, well you have to opportunity to talk to each other. Truth is you mostly won’t talk to them anyways 😉 The few that talk to you most likely will make some seriously disturbing sexual offers … ah! Sometimes you might even get invited out for a drink … 8 out of 10 times one of you will cancel. My experience of the Tinder date? Ah!
That’s a funny one. Went on a date with this guy that used to go to school with someone I used to date. Turns out the guy had a bigger crush on my ex that I ever had! interesting that’s for sure. The main reason I got on Tinder? 1st of my friends made me since I had just broken up with someone … curiosity, and I probably stayed on out of boredom – sad I know! My overall thoughts? It is a fun app … not to be taken as an actual dating app – it is more a hooking up app. But you’ll definitely have some fun browsing there; there are the guys with their wedding pictures in there – obviously confused! The guys with no pictures, the guys in a group of 5 guys, and the guys you KNOW! Ohhhh and let’s not forget the worst pick-up lines in the fucking wooooorld! Here some very cool examples: Fun times … xx clem. Signup for Our Newsletter Get Us in Your Inbox! Online Dating, Sex, and Relationship Advice Tips in Your Inbox… Follow @theurbandater Like this:Like Loading…
Share This Article Facebook5Tweet0Pin0 Posted in: Online Dating As you may recall, I decided to become an expert at Match.com in my last post. Why? Because I can do what I wanna do! No, not really. I just figured a 2,000 word post would bore you all to shit. Just to recap, my buddy, Chet, asked for some help with his online dating profile. He wasn’t getting an snags on his fishing pole… Meant to sound dirty. In my first installment we covered his profile and tried to pare it down a bit and remove some of the “asshole” within. Today, we’re going to talk about his approach in writing to women. Carpet Bombing. Just a bad, bad idea. Dear Chet was form messaging lot of the hotties on Match. Slight changes to each message to make them seem “unique.” And sent them out he did, one after the other. No responses. That more than anything, I feel, is what made him want to reach out to me.
Carpet Bombing is only cool for blowing enemy shit up. Otherwise you’re really carpet bombing your bridge to nowhere. Why would you do that? You see, aside from having a totally “Punch You in the Asshole” bad ass name, Chet is a pretty cool fucking guy. He’s funny and successful and giving. He’s very social and can strike up a convo on just about any topic. Yeah, he’s that fucking cool. I’d blow him. That should be enough, right? Wrong. I don’t know what it is with us men when we get on an online dating service. So many times we send these one sentence messages, with poor grammar, no effort, no personality and no hope of ever touching or seeing a vagina we didn’t have to pay for first… It’s as though our personality forgot to make the trip to the profile. The Wrong Type of Message (aka Paying for a Hooker Tonight) The following are three messages Chet sent out. Let me know how you think he did.
Cooking Hello fellow chef! Pleasure to meet you! I have always loved to cook and am just learning to bake now. My daughter brought up the idea recently and we have been baking ever since. We just made our first cake entirely from scratch. Icing and all! What’s your specialty? I have to say your picture caught my attention, you look beautiful. Let me know if you would like to chat, would be great to learn more about you. Best, Chet IMDB Hello fellow movie buff! Pleasure to meet you. I have a degree in screenwriting and worked in the industry for a while until my career took a different path. I have been described as having head full of random pop culture references. Have you seen Moonrise Kingdom? It’s amazing.
What’s your favorite Wes Anderson movie? Anyway, I knew that anyone who is a fan of British humor HAS to be great. Feel free to check out my profile and let me know if you’d like to chat a bit more. Chet Jewish? Straight hair and small nose? Are you sure you are Jewish?!? I was raised Jewish myself and don’t fully practice anymore, but I can still recite the four questions on command. I noticed from your profile that we have quite a few things in common. Like you, I love to dance. ( I am guessing that is the thing you do often to release stress.) Where do you like to go dancing? Feel free to check out my profile and let me know if you’d like to chat a bit more. Best, Chet PS – Call me a metrosexual, but I also like pedicures. And last time I went, I wasn’t the only guy in there! a few things to note here: Never ask a woman to call you a metrosexual unless she’s repulsive and you don’t want to kiss her. Chet is a personable guy and can talk to anybody. He would never walk up to someone in real life and say “How ya doin’ fellow poker player!” So why do it online? Who the fuck does that?
I still have a penis and a shred of self respect. I wouldn’t even do that. Sure, it’s nice to compliment a woman online, but I wouldn’t open up with that right out the gate. To me, it’s like saying: “Oh, hi there, my name is Chet, and crazy, but THIS IS MY PENIS!!!! RAAAAAR! LET IT RAIN BITCHES!!!!! Again, don’t be that guy. How I do messages Since I’m a self-labeled expert, I know a thing or two about this shit, okay? So the following are messages I sent to women. My rappin’ skillz aren’t what they used to be and I have to be honest, I did plagiarize the rap below because all I had was “chill with Benadryl, bitch!” So there’s that… Straight out of Mordor for more Wizards come to your door Don’t step to us ‘Cause we the number one sorcerers Pour more of that maiden bangin’ potion Pop the dragon into three-legged motion Now we coastin’ So, the above rap will either make or break me because if you look it up you’ll either roll your eyes, or give me a cyber hi-five. I seriously dig the profile, you seem like lot of fun while also being maintaining a level of pretty that defies your ability to kicketh the ass. Shoot me a message, if you’re interested shorty (I’m taller so I can say things like that) -This guy This next message, the lady replied with “I’m work at 4pm today, let’s chat. Here’s my number ++ + + that is ++++ we can text, too, but not a fan of texting.” Hypothetically speaking, if I told you that “you have a nice butt” as evidenced in your rock climbing photo, would you hold it against me? Okay, I know your natural reaction is probably to be appalled, just know that I was trying to be funny… I often fail at that. Anyway, I liked your climbing photo and not just because of the butt shot, but I’m sure that If I was in danger of falling off a mountain that you might be able to help my hopeless and hapless self. =) If you’d like to chat some time great, or if you feel like cussing me out because I was rude, that’s fine too. Good looking women physically or verbally abusing a guy are hot… Yeah, I just said that. -Alex And lastly… So, here you are being all tall with tattoos and scar for the OkC world to see.
I like! =) I dug your profile and figured I’d shoot over a message and tell you how cool I am… I mean, my mom says I’m practically cooler than the other side of the pillow, so you know that has to count for something… Right? No? Hmm, you’re a tough clam, aren’t you? In any case, if you’d like to chat, shoot me a message some time and tell me about that spinal surgery you had. I’m guessing you were kicking too much ass and had to go under the knife from the physical stress of it all. Am I right, or do you need to set me straight? At the time those messages had been sent, they were the only ones I sent, each one yielded a response and I went out with two of the three women. The different between my messages and Chet’s is that my messages are me. That’s how I would talk to some random woman. Anyone who knows me could attest to that.
Final Thoughts Be natural – No one likes an asshole; people like assholes who try too hard even less. Cut it the fuck out and be yourself, even if yourself sucks. Imagine you’re talking to these people in person. What would you say if they were standing right next to you? Would you pull out your penis pics for her to judge? Don’t over do it. Be fun and funny; stay within yourself and flirt. Signup for Our Newsletter Get Us in Your Inbox! Online Dating, Sex, and Relationship Advice Tips in Your Inbox… Follow @theurbandater Like this:Like Loading… Share This Article Facebook0Tweet0Pin0 Posted in: Online Dating, Tips & Advice Tagged in: Online Dating, tips Once upon a time, not long ago, when I was still a pretty active dater, I dated all over the age spectrum, legal and still breathing, of course. Obviously there’s a wide range to cover. A truth that I discovered, that applies to me is how little actual age is actually a factor in dating and making something work out of it. That said, what does age really mean? To me age is like a shiny little badge that some people like to tuck away and hide from sight. When I was in my early twenties not many women would touch me, let alone talk to me.
It didn’t help that I had my creeper vibe working overtime. Some say I still do, to them, I say shut your face!! Turd! As time passed I became more confident and began to overcome some emotional obstacles that I’d carried with me and was able to forgive and forget events and people from my past. Was that really because I was 26 instead of 18? No, of course not! We are the sum of our experiences and the relationships that remain and pass through our life. This is not news, but these things aren’t tied to age or getting older necessarily. Case in point, one of the most mature gals I have dated was nineteen, at the time.
Andy was her name. She had this great feel for people and she knew who she was. She just understood things and acted in way that her nineteen years of living just didn’t admit to. At twenty four, I had lot of things going on and I was pretty scared to do much of anything about them. In short, there was still lot of growing I needed to do; I was behind the curve.